REWARDS AND PUNISHMENT

One thing I have known for a long time on an intellectual level but that I recently felt slip into my working reality is that each time I feed myself, I am choosing whether to punish or reward myself.  I ate some donuts yesterday.  I haven't eaten donuts in years and they were in my home (VERY rare occurrence) and I thought, it's been years - literally years.  I can have a treat.  But was that a treat? NO!  It was a punishment!  I harmed myself!  You don't reward yourself by harming yourself.  I KNEW I was harming myself.  I know too much now to fall for the old, "just this once, I deserve a treat now and then" bullshit.  I DESERVE to lose this weight and feel vibrant, energetic and healthy.  I DESERVE to enjoy my life with little fear of heart disease, diabetes or other diseases causing me to lose my quality of life.  I DESERVE to give myself every opportunity to be around to see my amazing grandsons grow into amazing men, fall in love, become husbands and fathers if they choose to and to make the world a better place.  In the big picture, who the hell cares about the mouthfeel of a donut?!  But I ate the damn thing because I have slipped more and more over the last 2 years into addictive thinking.  I dwell on fears and worries, I obsess over food continually.  There is rarely an hour in the day when I am not thinking about what I could "get away with" eating.  I've redeveloped the habit of hitting a drive-through or buying something at the deli every time I go out!  "Well, at least it's just a bean burrito."  "Well, this horrible meal won't do as much harm if I don't eat anything else all day."  Bitch please!  I  have slipped backwards a lot more than I ever thought I could and it is time I acknowledged that fact.  It is also time I recognize and deal with the food addict aspect of my problems.  I honestly wish I could afford to enroll in Chef AJ's Ultimate Weight Loss program but she generously shares a lot of information and support for free so I'll be taking advantage of that.  I know from experience that I cope better if I jump straight into the deep end rather than inching in toe first so... this is me, jumping into the deep end again.  Today, smoothies and salads and veggie soup.  The plan is to do that until Friday or Saturday.  And then to juice fast or water fast throughout the rest of March.  I won't use budget as an excuse to quit.  If I can't afford produce to juice then I will simply water fast.  That is free.  This is the best way I know to reset my taste buds and get the addictive crap out of my system and reboot my enthusiasm for this lifestyle.  I will blog every morning to keep myself accountable.  Even if it is just a line or two, I'll post something.  Even if I have to say I screwed the pooch, I will post something.  Pass the noseplug, I'm jumping in.